Dear Job Market

[Lifeback]

Dear Job Market:

I'd like my life back please.

Sincerely,
A Graduate Student

[Job Market]

Dear Grad Student,

Sorry, I'll be occupying your life for the foreseeable future. What do you think this academic career thing is about? You think you get to give up a meaningful income for 5-8 (or more, mwah ha ha) years and dedicate yourself to in-depth study, hoping to someday contribute to the world's body of knowledge through research and the expansion of young minds, and come out on the other end with a job (one that provides you with some level of security, dignity, and a time for a personal life) by simply sending out a dozen applications for positions you seem likely to be well-matched for? HA! Silly fool. So you entered grad school during a time of relative economic rosiness with expectations of mass retirements of gray-haired professors and are now just a little bit jaded because it feels like the rug's been pulled out from under you? Too bad! Get back to your writing of letters to departments that have somehow conspired to request application materials that are just different enough from each other that you've got to spend a whole afternoon fixing each package up. I, the job market, have a beach and an umbrella drink to get back to. It's easy being me when I've got so few jobs to keep track of.

Thanks for the laugh.

Love,

The Evil Job Market

[TT]

Dear Graduate Student,

I'm sorry to report that even if you manage to triumph over the evil job market there is still no getting your life back. If you are lucky enough beat the market in the next few years I can't wait to get you in my clutches and beat the naivete out of you!

Yours lovingly,

The Tenure Track

[WTF]

Dear Tenure Track:

Come on, like WTF man, this was not in the grad school brochure.

Sincerely,
ABD

[TTT]

Dear ABD,

Don't let the more pessimistic members of the Tenure Track clan discourage you. If living in the Tenure Track clan's ivory tower was so bad the waiting list wouldn't be so long.
The intangible amenities alone of living among us are worth it. Our good buddies "self esteem" and "self respect" tend to visit me a lot more often than they used to when I was a member of your clan.

Sincerely,
Another member of the Tenure Track family.

[BitterMeNo]

Dear Graduate Student,

It's not like I'll change when you get a job. Because I demand a ritual that requires everyone to give the illusion that EVERY JOB NECESSITATES SUPER SPECIAL ATTENTION wherein every letter from an applicant and an adviser is tailor-made to say JUST HOW SUPER SPECIAL this SPECIFIC JOB IS rather than own up to the fact that a job is a damn good job and every committee can pretty much figure out who is cut out for which job without the elaborate pantomime, I'll always have you in my clutches. Just imagine how much productivity your field would have if search committees asked your letter writers to put pen to page AFTER they've decided that your school/committee/project is good enough to get more than the most cursory of scans?? Every tailor made letter that is not paid attention to because a committee doesn't see top five letterhead on your materials is a waste of good people's time, and wasting as much collective energy makes me stronger. We sure as hell wouldn't want you all to solve sexism, or inequality or something.

Kisses,

The Job Market

[deathtorawcapitalism]

Sept 11, 2010 13:08:30 GMT -5 @Job Market said:

Dear Grad Student,

Sorry, I'll be occupying your life for the foreseeable future. What do you think this academic career thing is about? You think you get to give up a meaningful income for 5-8 (or more, mwah ha ha) years and dedicate yourself to in-depth study, hoping to someday contribute to the world's body of knowledge through research and the expansion of young minds, and come out on the other end with a job (one that provides you with some level of security, dignity, and a time for a personal life) by simply sending out a dozen applications for positions you seem likely to be well-matched for? HA! Silly fool. So you entered grad school during a time of relative economic rosiness with expectations of mass retirements of gray-haired professors and are now just a little bit jaded because it feels like the rug's been pulled out from under you? Too bad! Get back to your writing of letters to departments that have somehow conspired to request application materials that are just different enough from each other that you've got to spend a whole afternoon fixing each package up. I, the job market, have a beach and an umbrella drink to get back to. It's easy being me when I've got so few jobs to keep track of.

Thanks for the laugh.

Love,

The Evil Job Market

You hit the nail right on the head. I basically got a big "FUCK YOU" from the Department of Rehabilitation a couple weeks ago for Christ's sake. I wish the suits and the wymyn with the stupid wide open disco collars would just leave this earth and stop choking the rest of us.